so I fell asleep yesterday with the lights on & an unpublished post:



"
I'm feeling strange and mixed up right now. Nope, it definitely isn't cause I'm sad, just this strange feeling I get once in a while. Really mixed up.


Splashing sounds make me feel empty but calm but tired but tranquil and soothing but emotionless. Which didn't make me emo. Looking up at the clouds with a reddish tint and closing my eyes after that felt so great. and I was happy.

It was as though time had stopped, everything was operating in cycles (they really were) and the only thing I could hear was my mind trying to get myself to forget everything and listen to the splashing sounds. Time transfixed. Its.. hypnotic. Its like a personal space.



I needed to talk. I badly needed to talk but didn't know how to start. That caused abit of a traffic congestion in my brain because I couldn't get something out and the rest were stuck. But strange thing was, it felt that way for a moment, and the next moment my brain was empty. I wonder why that even crossed my mind. I can't tell.

That bothered me. It bothers me that I'm always not able to speak my mind at the moment when I actually have SO much to say. When would that change? I always end up typing everything down here. But its restricting because so many people are reading this.

I want to let go of everything, but I can't. Because... there are too many thoughts in me to organize? Because I can't sort things out fast enough to say them out? Because...? I know it isn't because I feel weird doing so, its the matter of HOW. The things I do and say and think always bother me. Its as though nothing I'm doing is right. Things get worse when I keep so much to myself.

"don't you already have enough complicated thoughts down here?", you might ask. Sadly, what's on this blog isn't even a tenth of what I have in my mind. Then comes my problem in conversations.

It doesn't matter who I'm talking to, I've never had a conversation where I can fully let go of everything. (not to say I haven't got great conversations before) The LONGEST phonecall I had was a 2 hour call with annia back in sec 2 (a great one). Its puzzling to know that I'm so extremely quiet when I can go so crazy. My crazy side isn't a facade, though.




The iPod filled up all those spaces on the way home and I was glad it did, because those songs made my day complete. Well, not so.

This is a strange feeling, really. I'm feeling happy, but strange. I so badly want to type more to force myself to dissect my feelings but.. I can't do it. They say girls' minds are like spaghetti, how true is that?

"





Anyway, I'm glad now. Glad I found out a little more about the thing bothering me yesterday. Just that I haven't found a way to solve it.

These nice places can either give you on-the-spot inspiration, or make you think after you've reached home. The latter for my case, after an emo night. Now that I think of it, its been great a great night. I've got nice pictures and I jaywalked and I climbed over a fence!!!!




I need to be more responsible

I need to be able to keep to promises.

I need to be able to correct my mistakes after saying sorry

(Its not like I don't mean it when I say sorry, its just that I always get distracted by other things and end up not keeping to my promises. The path I'm treading on isn't straight, its like a path with many many smaller routes, like a river with many many distributaries)

I need to take action, not just think about things I want to do for others.

I can't just get distracted by my own thoughts and forget about what others want or need, or forget about what I've promised to do.

I really need to let people have trust in me. To do that, I need to do all the above.

I need to be a better person. I've been such a horrible person, I do appreciate my friends but I ALWAYS fail to take the effort to show it. I always do what I want to, but have I fully understood the needs of others?


Yes, I need to take action.



Come on Emma! D: